It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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