Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
