I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
