Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
