Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i came on her dog
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
