i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
