I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
