I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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