My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I didn't notice because vodka
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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