either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
