I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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