So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize