you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
