It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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