mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
