I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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