i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
