My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
