omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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