i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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