Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize