My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize