Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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