Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
