Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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