I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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