ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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