while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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