Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
