i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize