so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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