one two three fourrrrnication!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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