Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
