i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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