Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
