Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize