just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
