Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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