Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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