oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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