you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
im on a boat
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