and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
