Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
