if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
