Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
