i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
