rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
