I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
