just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize