dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
is wine microwaveable?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm getting married
To pizza
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
