I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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