woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
