1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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