Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
