I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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