it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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