Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
