He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
