I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
