once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
